Because it’s January again, it’s time for Too Long, Didn’t Watch: Royal Rumble 2021

• The Royal Rumble pre-show occurs, talking and video packages aplenty
• Shayna Baszler and Botchamania in human form Nia Jax face the Women’s Tag Team Champions Asuka and Charlotte Flair

I’m not wrong

• Asuka does a promo that’s somewhat comprehensible
• Charlotte basically telegraphs turning or Asuka as soon as the end of this sentence
• WWE got that lucrative Cricket money

Rolling in it

• Nia held Asuka on her shoulders on the middle rope and no one got injured. That’s pretty good for her.
• Ric Flair causes trouble for another one of his kids
• Nia Jax wins with the lowest leg drop I’ve ever seen. Post back surgery Hulk Hogan could still get higher in the air.
• WWE advertises some bullshit digital card game then we get a commercial for an off road truck. I think they’re confused about their key market.

Whatever the hell this is

• Titus O’Neil makes his only appearance of the night

It’s exactly what you think

• Someone’s grandfather is coming to the ring, which means it’s time for Goldberg vs. Drew McIntyre
• Goldberg wearing something from the later career Jim Duggan line

• Goldberg spears McIntyre through the guardrail, threatening the safety of those LED screens
• Goldberg kind of does the Jackhammer, but only gets a 2
• After a flurry of finishers by both men, Drew McIntyre wins. Thank God.
• McIntyre earned Goldberg’s respect in 5 minutes. Wow. (Sarcasm emoji)
• Buy WWE shit

Now!

• The text they’re using for the match cards looks stupid
• Burlesque Carmella comes out to face Sasha Banks
• This is the most times I’ve ever heard the word “sommelier” at a wrestling show

Not the same Reginald

• Carmella almost suicide dives her face off
• In other news, there’s a good chance Enzo is getting kicked out of a Buffalo Wild Wings right now

I mean, statistically

• And thus being WrestleMania sign pointing season
• Buzkill Sami makes an appearance to heckle the New Day
• No creative Kofi elimination dodge tonight, guys
• Some guy who looks like a forgotten Lost Boy sings for a bit next to a lifelike statue of GI Bro. It was definitely a song.

The guy from that commercial you half understand

• Buy Bad Bunny shit
• WWE reminds us what the Royal Rumble is again
• “Mega Karen” Bayley starts the Women’s Royal Rumble against Naomi

Her hair wants to see your manager

• Tank Girl enters the ring

Artist rendering

• Billie Kay doesn’t quite understand how the Royal Rumble works. Maybe she should have watched the video package.
• Ruby Riott looks like Shotzi Blackheart’s older sister
• Shayna Baszler tries to kill Victoria
• Hey look, Dana Brooke is still employed. Good for her.

who knew?

• Torrie Wilson enters and does all the moves she knows
• I would actually like to see Ric Flair in the Women’s Royal Rumble
• Lacey Evans cosplays as Charlotte Flair, who herself cosplays as Ric Flair
• How Alicia Fox worked so long in WWE and is remembered so fondly is one of life’s greatest mysteries

Pictured: Her best match

• Alicia Fox beats R Truth for the 24/7 Title during the Women’s Royal Rumble. That’s not a typo.
• Tamina. See Dana Brooke.
• Naomi and Bianca Belair have a…hair-off?
• Lana is the dumbest babyface on the women’s roster

• Bianca Belair does the worst Woo ever
• Miz’s jacket from the Rob Halford estate sale
• Peter Rosenberg pins R Truth in the missionary position to win the 24/7 Title

This guy

• Ring announcer makes “Owens” into 4 syllables somehow
• Reigns and Owens fight amongst the…let’s just say fans
• This match is shockingly close to the actual Thunderdome

• Big Canadian man fails to fly
• Kevin Owens gives us a tour of the backstage area
• Roman Reigns commits vehicular manslaughter

This, but less funny

• Kevin Owens becomes forklift certified instantaneously
• They literally fight there way into the Gorilla position
• No LED screen is safe tonight
• WrestleMania of the Caribbean Part 2 is coming soon

Arrrrgh

• Edge makes yet another return at Royal Rumble. That’s 3 now.
• Randy Orton’s face magically recovered from BEING SET ON FIRE

Amazing recovery

• Edge and Randy Orton fight near the ring for a while. That’s a start.
• The Retribution guy without a mask shows up

Him

• Dolph Ziggler enters the 14th Royal Rumble he won’t win
• Carlito returns to underwhelm
• Damien Priest looks like a bondage Power Ranger
• The Miz destroys all of Bad Bunny’s instruments
• (No first name) Riddle looks like he just jumped out of bed
• Michael Cole pretends the WWE Hall of Fame has ballots

Then explain this

• Some mayor enters the ring
• The Mayor and Captain Vegan hug it out
• A grown man wearing a crown enters the Rumble
• Otis makes an appearance. And that’s about it.
• Bobby Lashley throws Dominik Mysterio like he was trying to win a prize
• The Hurricane returns. Gregory Helms nowhere to be found.

What IS up with that?

• Christian comes back somehow. No joke here, just surprised.
• Edge and Christian aren’t Riddle’s bros
• Rey Mysterio’s mask sponsored by beer
• Big E eliminated by the human totem pole Omos
• Michael Cole pretending Cesaro could win the Royal Rumble

HAHAHA….No

• AJ Styles and Omos treated the Royal Rumble like a tag team match
• An MMA fight breaks out in the middle of this wrestling match
• Randy Orton, the man no one can trust, proved to be untrustworthy

Can’t even be trusted to stay burned