Because Brock Lesnar can’t beat up himself, it’s Too Long, Didn’t Watch.

• The pre show reminds you Brock Lesnar is the only star WWE has anymore
• Roman Reigns and Baron Corbin is reaching Bret Hart-Jerry Lawler feud length
• Ads for the WWE Network on the WWE Network.

• WWE hypes up Kofi’s inevitable near elimination spot that he’ll do before he doesn’t win
• Baron Corbin and Roman Reigns work together to destroy every announce table that doesn’t speak English
• Roode and Ziggler interfere because the sun came up this morning

• Usos respond because of course they do
• Camera focuses on 4 guys who aren’t in the match instead of the 2 that are
• Baron Corbin gets thrown into a porta potty…indoors…alright
• To recap: this feud has involved dog food AND shit

• Roman Reigns pins a guy on top of a dugout
• Samoa Joe and Kevin Owens fight like they’re both going for the same corn dog
• Sonya Deville doesn’t know how the Royal Rumble works
• WWE is more respectful of Kobe Bryant than half of my Facebook feed

• A woman hasn’t won from the #1 position in the illustrious (3 year) Women’s Royal Rumble history

• Alexa Bliss vs. Hair Whip to start out
• Molly Holly’s still alive, so there’s that
• Lana does a promo all the way to the ring. Worst theme ever.
• Mercedes Martinez comes out looking like a bondage porn version of Darth Vader
• Liv Morgan and Lana commit domestic violence
• Mandy Rose is saved by a fat guy. Can’t believe I just typed that.

• Dana Brooke comes out and the  crowd goes “meh”
• Tamina counts as a surprise entry because most people are surprised she still works there
• Vince McMahon wants to remind us how much he REALLY likes Charlotte
• Kelly (Redundant) makes a return

• Sarah Logan doesn’t know Sanity broke up
• Charlotte’s nose bleeds like Ric’s forehead
• Zelina Vega comes out dresses like Shredder

• Santina lasted longer in the Rumble than Santino did that one time
• Naomi really takes advantage of the “not technically the floor” loophole
• Charlotte Flair wins another match because she’s Charlotte Flair. Also news, fire hot.

• Emo Bailey in full effect
• There’s literally 3 people cheering for Lacey Evans
• Bray Wyatt and Daniel Bryan have a really good strap match. Really, watch it.
• The Brock Lesnar Gauntlet Match begins
• Elias took so long to get to the ring, he entered the 2021 Rumble
• Erick Rowan’s mystery pet would have done better than he did
• John Morrison’s return to the Royal Rumble lasted 9 whole seconds

• 10:10-34 10 German Suplexes
• Drew McIntyre gets the pop of the night
• WWE cameras miss Edge’s first spear in 9 years
• Drew McIntyre wins the f$#@ing Royal Rumble. Read that again.