Because Saudi money is too much to pass up, it’s Too Long: Didn’t Watch for Crown Jewel 2019.

• Ric Flair surprised at lack of Playboy models and liquor at his hotel
• The White Ranger defeats 19 other also-rans to get a shot at a title that kinda means something

• Kofi Kingston is back in a tag title match because WWE doesn’t care about him anymore
• Part time millionaire and first time wrestler have thankfully short match that definitely wasn’t a waste of money

• Gallows and Anderson actually win a match…and a trophy that doesn’t mean anything. Yay?
• Mansoor gets his obligatory win

• Saudi Arabia spent millions to get a sweet countout victory
• Strowman immediately gets his heat back because now they’re just 50-50 booking by the minute
• R-Truth, 24/7 Title, you figure it out

• AJ Styles wins because he’s AJ Styles
• Hulk Hogan promises to finally stop feuding with Ric Flair. No one believes him. They’ll have feuding funerals.

• Thousands of Saudi men amazed to see women who aren’t actively being stoned
• Team Hogan wins, Roman Reigns wins, everyone else loses
• Turns out they’re having another WrestleMania in 2020. Who knew?

• The Fiend winning the Universal Title is still not the scariest thing Saudi Arabia has seen in public